Web Humor

Diary of a demented Snow Shoveler

Author unknown
December 8 – 6:00 PM It started to snow.

The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold, it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24

6 inches – Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25

Merry f—ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight – Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[Editor’s note: this has made the rounds of various humor lists and newsgroups, but is to the best of my knowledge a true story. That makes it all the more frightening.]

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Costello: Hey, Abbott!

Abbott: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.

Abbott: That’s great, Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.

Abbott: That’s terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don’t know what any of it means!

Abbott: You will in time.

Costello: That’s exactly why I’m here to see you.

Abbott: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you’re a real computer expert.

Abbott: Well, I don’t know . . .

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you’re going to train me.

Abbott: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.

Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.

Abbott: That’s true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?

Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then . .

Costello: No, I told you I want to turn it off.

Abbott: I know, you press the Start button . . .

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.

Abbott: I did.

Costello: When?

Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?

Abbott: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop?

Abbott: Well, Start doesn’t actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?

Abbott: Start.

Costello: Start what?

Abbott: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?

Abbott: Shut down.

Costello: You don’t have to get rude!

Abbott: No, no, no! That’s not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.

Abbott: To shut down the computer, press . . .

Costello: Don’t say, “Start!”

Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Decease button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.

Abbott: But that’s what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.

Abbott: Don’t be ridiculous.

Costello: I’m being ridiculous? Well, I think it’s about time we started this conversation.

Abbott: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

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A geek:...you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.

A geek:...after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number…

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I live in Berlin, Germany and asked a friend in the U.S. per email to call American Online in the States and have them send their AOL install diskettes to me at my Berlin address. My friend called AOL, then sent me this message:

I called AOL for you but had “an experience” talking to the minimum-wage employee who attempted to take your address.

I pronounced your name for her and then spelled it (SLOWLY). I gave her the street address and spelled it. Faithfully following her script, she then asked for the State (as in which US state). I replied, “actually it is in Berlin, Germany” and gave her the postal code. I didn’t think it necessary to spell Berlin, Germany. My mistake.

After a silence she said, “That’s G-R?” I then spelled Germany for her. She said, “No, I mean the abbreviation.” I said, “Are you trying to abbreviate Germany in the ‘State field’ on your computer screen?” “Yes,” she replied. I told her again that it was not at United States address, that GR sounded like a good abbreviation but it was not a US state and that she might have to spell out Germany on another line. She replied, “I know it’s not in the US, it’s in Canada.”

If there were any doubt I was in trouble, it was now certain.

I clarified that Berlin was a city in the country of Germany and that neither were anywhere near Canada. Silence … Me: “You know, the country in Europe … Hitler and all that Nazi stuff from the 1940’s …”

Silence …

Her: “So the city is B-U-N-L-E-R?”

Me: “No, it’s Berlin … Berlin, Germany … B-E-R-L-I-N”

Her: “OK, but what’s the state?”

AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh! Lucy just pulled the football out from under me again.

Again I told her that there wasn’t a US state involved. I know there is a German equivalent of a state that Berlin is in but I couldn’t remember the name, nor its abbreviation, nor did I think giving it to her if I had it would do any good.

I’m not done yet …

Then she asks me for a phone number. Not having yours readily available to her, I replied, “I’m calling you locally from the States and I don’t have a phone number in Berlin to give you.”

A brief pause. . .

Her: “So, what was your phone number again?”

AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh! I gave her my phone number because I knew, like a computer program with no escapes from an endless loop, if she didn’t fill in the phone number line, I’d never get off the phone and you’d never get AOL. Imagine if I had given her your phone number with all those numbers and no familiar (xxx) xxx-xxxx format. My god, what would she have done then???

She ended the call by reading the “namestring” script, “Thank you … Mr. ‘tan-GAY’ … for ordering America On-Line. Your order will arrive within 2 weeks. Have a nice day.”

Good luck.

Paul

by Edward Tanguay

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A geek?

• you e-mail yourself notes rather than writing them…
• …and you can justify the advantages of doing so.
• …or you actually reply to the note.

User-Friendly. Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Users. Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

• Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
• Intermediate Users. People who don’t know how to fix their computer after they’ve just pressed a key that broke it.
• Expert Users. People who break other people’s computers.
• Default Directory. Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

Error message. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program’s shortcomings.

File. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Help. What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

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Q & A

Q.Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

A. They aren’t. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?

A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don’t worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn’t seem to work. What’s wrong?

A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.